Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Welcome to Illinois

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Well, for years actually. And I've had reason to! Check out the places that I lived for the first 25 years of my life.

Places I've Lived

Pretty much had it surrounded. The one thing I found in all three places is that, really, nobody likes Illinois. In Wisconsin (where I spent most of those years), we had a term for people from Illinios. The acronym is FIBs. The last two words are Illinios Bastards. You guess what the first is. In St. Loius, people from Illinois are referred to as Hoosiers, and it is pretty derrogitory there too. Think "bumpkin."

Things I know about Illinois. The drivers suck (I mean SUCK). I try to convince my wife that they are worse than Maryland, which I believe. It is at least a draw. Traffic sucks. A lot. White Sox stadium sucks. Worst, most sterile park in the majors. But at least you are likely to get stabbed walking to your car. The Bears do now, and always shall, suck.

Since I have had time, and have the experience, I've come up with a plan.

Phase 1

Get the people out of Illinois so the work can begin.

Stage 1

But how, pray tell, do you get them out? Got it covered. First, we go on the premise that everyone in the state lives in Chicago. A bit of an assumption, but fairly accurate. So all we have to do is empty the city.

Three things should do it.

Every good cheesehead knows that most of Chicago is driving up I94 to Summerfest in Milwaukee every July, and driving back later that night completely bombed. That takes care of most of them right there.

Next, schedule the Cubs to play in St. Louis during Summerfest. Happens every so often, so it shouldn't be too hard to force. That takes care of the stragglers on the north side. Finally, get Notre Dame to schedule an exhibition football game during the summer, as eveyone knows that most people who graduate from Notre Dame move to Chicago.

Stage 1a

Still have a few hardy souls hanging around? Maybe the three people who grow all that corn in the southern part of the state? You sure that isn't being done by robots these days?, Ok, I can get them out. Tell them "I heard that walleye are biting up north at the lake!" and watch them head out to der cabin up der in Chippawa Falls.

Phase 2
Ok, now we use our three rallying points, and send in the machinery.

Stage 3

Flatten the bitch. Except for a few choice bits. Those should be preserved so the peoples of Wisconsin, Indiana, and Missouri, in recognition of their suffering at the hands of various FIBs crossing the borders, can enjoy the newly renamed "Illinois State Park."

No, really, turn the whole state into a park. With a 24 lane wide freeway (notice, freeway, not another damn toll road in Illinios!) connecting Milwaukee, South Bend, and St. Louis.

The final plan:



Blogger Jason said...

I think the stress of not having a job and having a pregnant wife is finally getting to him. Poor guy...

6:42 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

Oh yeah, that reminds me, the plan for Minnesota...

8:16 PM  
Blogger Royce said...

I spent a summer in Illinios once(ugh)......this plan is pure genius......evil genius......

8:31 PM  
Blogger EdgerYurseet said...

Hoosiers huh.
That's what we always called people from Indiana. And for the people in Indiana it was a term of pride.

On an ironic side note; my uncle who lives in Indiana thinks Ohio is slowly BUYING UP Indiana and is working out a plan to take care of Ohio.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

I'm aware of that Indiana Hoosier thing (after all, that is the name of Indiana University's sports teams). I almost mentioned it, but I thought it would be confusing :) You are right, strange that it is a term of derision one place and a term of pride another.

9:28 AM  
Blogger stuffle said...

Get the people out of Illinois so the work can begin.

OK, that would seem to be a major hole in your plan. After all, it is not the actual land IL sits on that sucks, but rather it is the people who live there that suck.

Maybe if we could get them to go somewhere else where everyone suck, like France or something, then that would be cool, but if we doze their land while they are up here in Milwaukee, then they are likely to stay, and Milwaukee will suck...

9:42 AM  
Blogger Brad said...


2:43 PM  
Anonymous paul said...

Um, isn't Illinois already flat?

12:06 AM  

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